New LJ.

lolitsgabe

I have started adding some of you, but it may take me a bit.

Blair is in Europe.

I pretty much miss him completely.

But.

On a more serious note I am so disappointed in myself lately.

I am scared I will not be a good enough artist to become a designer. I am scared I am too behind to catch up enough in Math and Science to upgrade to 30 level classes. I did really bad in them.

I also don't know how to come up with the 2 grand to upgrade.

Nor the many thousands of dollars to go to the UofA.

I will get a student loan, I know, but it's weird that suddenly people who assured me that I'd have the funds to go to school suddenly say they don't know how to help me.

Mainly mt Father. When I was going into print he was all for paying for my school. Now that I'm not? He has no money to give towards it.

I got accepted to SAIT. I got a call asking for payment, which I told them I wasn't going to be attending, but still, payment was due. Where was the money going to come from? I sure as hell didnt have it. Did he? Would my seat have been given to someone else since I couldn't pay?

I can't help but feel suddenly since I am going somewhere else he doesn't want to help.

I'm not scared of working out in Edmonton. It's school I am scared of. I can work, and I can work hard. I just.. I worry I won't have someone to help me with the school work. I learn so differently than most and usually people get upset trying to teach me. Usually they yell because I can't understand.

It's just the ONE WAY I'm not seeing it. Usually as soon as something is just.. looked at a different way, I get it. But no one has the patience for me.

I just wanted to say that somewhere. That I am scared and can't find anyone who has told me the bright side of things. Or who has the time to talk to me about everything that's on my mind.

I feel so restless. And uneasy. I have no one to talk to.

And no where feels like home. I don't have a room. I don't have somewhere I can go to when I feel like this. I have to sit in a room with at least one other person. I have nowhere to go to just mope. To get over these things.

I feel really anxious lately. Tense.

I am trying though. I am trying to ignore it all and just sort my life out. I've paid all my bills I needed to, I've started putting money into a second saving's account. I'm going to apply for a Visa really quick. I am trying to find a job in Edmonton, Steve keeps saying he's "put the calls out", but that could mean anything. I have to start looking on my own so I can feel secure.

Blah. That was a really dramatic post.

I just feel uneasy.

I am totally in love with this song. THANK YOU MOTHER.



"And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems."

HMMMM. What is new.

I have been visitng Edmonton much lately.

I am actually probably going to move there.

I have decided I am NOT going to do print, and am going to be going into some form of design/art. and I would really enjoy taking some writing classes somewhere? who knows.

Either way I had a really nice talk with my mom about the fact that I look at my dad, and I look at Steve and think about how much I don't want to be in print. I feel like I have lost all creativity that there used to be in me lately, it's depressing me.

My mom said she'd enjoy seeing me like that again, seeing me create things or draw things. And that if that's what would make me happy, go for it.

I don't want to settle for something I am good at, or something that will come easy to me. I am not happy working here. I am good at it, but I don't enjoy it. I look at all of these things I cut out, all these displays I make, and all I can think about is how I wish I could design something like that.

Here is a snippit of how I remember what I said to my mother. "I look at dad and Steve and all I see is how stressed out they are. Yeah, they own a 2 million dollar company, but they aren't happy. I look at you and Thomas and you guys are happy." She tells me Thomas sees what he does as just a way to make money. "Yeah, but you two are happy together." She says that they have each other and that's what makes them happy. "That's exactly what I want. I want to do something I enjoy and all I want is a house, a car, a pet, and someone I love to share my life with"

That is exactly what I would like.

And that's what I'm trying to get, and I am not going to be scared to do it.

Mn, my leg hurts very much right now.

I am tired.

I miss being in edmonton.

On a lighter note I am now living at my mother's again, so I am much happier now. I get to come home to smiling faces and whatnot, and seeing my baby sister grow up will be nice, I think.

Mm I have been really tired lately. I think I tuckered myself out the past few weeks, I just didn't really sleep a lot.

I cannot bend my leg very well. and walking hurts. I'm not sure what I can do about that to make it feel better.


I feel oddly sad right now, I am not sure why.

Well that is my update I guess. I don't know what else I can say.